Within You and Without You
Recently I decided it was time to go back into therapy. I've always been a great fan of the practice of svadhyaya or "self-study, and I was realizing that I needed a little help in that field. Someone to help me along the way because I was feeling extremly stuck.
My therapist pointed out to me that I had a lot of friends, a lot of people in my life who I helped, hung out with and confided in. She noticed that perhaps I shared too much with too many people and so she gave me homework, (which I found exciting because I love homework). The homework was to sit quietly with myself and meditate for 5 minutes a day. It sounded easy enough, but it was so hard!
For 3 weeks I went back to her and still hadn't done any of it. I would think about it and then, instead of sitting quietly with myself I would seek out friends or group activities, I would busy myself with doing work or cleaning (something I don't even like doing) or reading or watching a movie, anything but to sit with myself. She then assigned me the same homework again for the 3rd time, this time with the addition of writing down how I was feeling and to at least once a day check in to how I'm feeling mentally.
I finally starting doing it. Not everyday, my discipline is still growing, but I did do it at least 7 times out of a two week period; wrote down how I was feeling and then sat in quiet meditation for 5 minutes. The experience was amazing, in such a short amount of time too. I started noticing patterns in my emotions, I started being able to pin point eventually where the feelings were stemming from and I started to just naturally throughout the day make these little check-ins with myself, while at work, walking to and from the subway, in the shower, etc. I even started craving the "me time".
I was also recieving amazing body work sessions once a week, continuing to go to yoga class, and journaling, things that helped move the stale energies and remove the blockages in my body and mind. And then, like an answer to my prayers I received a little nudge from the universe, (I actually believe it was from Ganesh, the deity I was focusing most of my prayers and intentions on). I was visited by 3 ghosts of boyfriends past. Now I use the term boyfriends loosely, its just easier to tell the story that way.
On 3 different occasions within a 1 week period I was either contacted by or literally ran into an ex of mine from the recent past 2 or 3 years. And in each encounter I was able to recognize a big change inside of me. These men no longer held the same grasp on my heart that I had allowed them to in the past, I no longer felt a need to give them any more undeserving chances, I was able to speak my truth clearly and directly to them, and I was able to eventually ignore them. These encounters also gave me a chance to reflect on who I was back then when I was with these guys, in general a very giving person who was willing to give more to the other person and ignore my own needs and wants.
I'm a Libra, and so naturally I am thinking about relationships all the time. Just yesterday, as I was journaling I came to some ancient but "new to me" realizations about relationships, and so today I was inspired to write this blog post in order to share them all with you, and perhaps to help anyone else out there who may be feeling "stuck".
In order to have a healthy relationship, you can't lose sight of yourself in the other person. Finding a balance of being in oneness, seeing yourself in the other person and seeing that the two parts are completely themselves while also making up two halves of this whole.
Being in a relationship requires an open heart that is also protected not by a giant wall but by a small fence. Realizing that your self worth isn't greater than or lesser then the other person's.
Being kind to others is so important because how you treat others is how they will treat you in return.
By learning to recognize the inner light inside yourself, you will start to see that light shining in everyone else around you. You will see that this light is the Divine inside you must cherish and respect that light inside you as well as the Divine in everyone you meet.
By sitting quietly with yourself to recognize that light, you will realize that you are a completly holy/whole person, and this takes a lot of practice as well as patience with yourself and with others.
This may seem like old news to you all, but for years it was just a concept to me, nothing real until I started doing these practices of yoga and mediation. So if you are seeking deeper knowledge, thirsting for Truth, or perhaps feeling just plain stuck, I urge you to start doing a yoga practice, start studying the ancient texts, start trying to meditate and incorporate pranayama into your life, search within instead of outward, because all of the answers already lie inside of you.
"Try to realise it's all within yourself
No one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small
And life flows on within you and without you" - George Harrison