I am Opening to Healing
Everything is unfolding as it should be, no matter how hard you try to resist it.
Today I am opening myself up to healing. I am opening myself up to pain, to old hurts, to my past, and looking with excitement towards my future.
This past week at work I was asked to edit a Mother’s Day video, which I did begrudgingly, because it’s my job, but I didn’t realize it was going to unravel me.
To give some background to this post, I’ll share a bit of my story I normally only keep for my closest friends, in hopes that in getting some of it out, I will not only help my own healing process, but I may inspire others to do the same.
Although it is true that time heals all wounds, it doesn’t make them go away, and in our own time, eventually everything will come back up. When these things resurface, it is up to us to choose whether to keep it buried or face it, and move on.
19 years ago my mother was in a horrible car accident that put her in a coma for 9 months. We didn’t think she would survive, but by some miracle, or some cosmic joke (the jury is still out), she actually did wake up, but she never truly came back to us. From that moment on, at 12 years old I lived my life in survival mode. My brother and sister and I were forced to grow up, fast, and to deal with some big issues as children, that most adults never have to deal with their entire lives. The people who were supposed to be our care givers eventually gave up on us, they didn’t have the tools to help us or even themselves, and so we were abandoned, and left to figure it all out on our own. Thank god we had and still have each other. It’s a saga of a story, filled with all the things that make a good Lifetime movie so intriguing. And maybe one day, I’ll share the whole thing with you.
So back to the now, in the video I was working on this week, women apologized to their moms for being those angst-y teenagers we all become. For saying horrible things to their mothers, for slamming doors and rolling their eyes. To thank them for their unconditional love and support through it all, and I felt annoyed, mad, and jealous and overwhelmingly sad. They all had those opportunities to act out and I didn’t. They were able to fight with their moms, able to ask them advice, able to confide in them, and ask for guidance. One woman put it so well, that she was able to be so mean to her mom because she knew her mom loved her no matter what. I never go to feel that way. I missed this part of growing up and working through emotions, creating foundations of love and trust. I didn’t get to have any of those moments. And I was jealous.
For a long time I asked the question WHY? What karmic reason was this all for? Was there a reason, and did their even have to be? It took me a very long time to come to the realization that I don’t need to know why anything happened, and that if I had the opportunity to go back and do things differently or prevent that accident, I actually wouldn’t change a thing. Not one thing. It’s all medicine and it’s all a part of me.
When all these intense feelings came rushing to the surface this week, and with them all of my coping mechanisms which urged me to run to the bar or into bed, I (again, begrudgingly) took some much needed alone time this weekend to reflect, to connect with me and sort out what was coming up. No matter how deep things may be buried, they will rise to the surface, whether we want them to or not. So when I woke up this morning and the tears just started to flow, I let them.
I am now allowing myself to mourn, finally. I am connecting with my 12 year old self and giving her the big hug she always wanted and needed and telling her that she did her best, and that she can stop holding on so tightly now. I am softening to myself; I am giving myself space to heal, and to feel all the feels.
I also realized that I am so thankful that it all happened, and it didn’t happen to me, it happened for me. I am thankful for my brother and my sister and all my amazing friends, for the family I chose to grow with, who all chose to stick around. I look forward to finding and filling in more of that family, because the people we need to show up do, right when we need them and that is a true gift. It’s all about polishing the mirror. (Click that link to read my post on a little bit about sacred relationships) I am thankful for my practice, no matter how it is evolving and the opportunity to receive in a way I never felt before through teaching yoga on a regular basis. I am thankful to all of my teachers and mentors, and to the wonderful healer Erin Telford, who recently told me "you have to be your own mom." That was such a profound statement for me, and isn't true for all of us? Eventually we all have to be our own moms and make our own decisions and decide what is best for us and love ourselves unconditionally.
I no longer need to be in survival mode, I am ready to start fully living my life. I am opening to healing.
I miss you Mom, Happy Mother’s Day.
New Moon Blessing to you and yours!