33 and Feeling Free

 

When you’re 33 going to a loud ass bar to watch the Yankees lose in October might leave you with a painful and clogged feeling in your left ear. When you’re 33 going out isn’t just going out anymore, it’s a choice you made to leave the comforts of your own home. When you’re 33 you may feel the most confident you’ve ever felt, but still can be made to feel like a small lost child when the right person pushes your buttons. When you’re 33 you realize, they were just pushing your buttons and not out to get you.

At 33 the friends you find yourself surrounded by at this point might look a bit smaller of a crowd than it used to, but they are the most magical, strong as hell, not afraid to say it like it is straight to your face when you need to hear some of that cut you deep to your core, take a hard look in the mirror kind of truth. And although it stings, you are grateful they had the guts to say something. At 33 you are both sensitive and strong as fuck. At 33 you start to really see yourself for who you really are, both dark and light, both magical and mundane, both beautiful and ugly, these bits are all parts of the amazing creature that is you.

By 33 you must walk away. Walk away for your own healing, walk away in faith of something better, walk away because you know better what happens when you stay. By 33 you may at times feel like you’ve wasted so much time learning lessons over and over again that you could’ve just learned the first time around had you been listening, looking and working more clearly and carefully and with a whole lot more of love for yourself. By 33 if you’re still making the same choices you’ve been making for the last 33 years, you’re probably going to be pretty hard on yourself about it. By 33 you have the compassion for yourself to know, that it was not time wasted because it helped you get to this point. You have some humor and more light heartedness to show yourself and the capacity to lighten up, laugh it off and make some healthier choices, starting with the smallest one you can do right now. By 33 if you ain’t gonna take care of yourself, no one else can either, no matter how hard they try.

Now, at 33 I have the wherewithal to know that this is all part of the process, that with the right perspective, I can see that all of this has been happening for me. That everyone is the guru if you're listening with an open heart. That we're all just human beings on a journey of our own, and we're all at different places on that path. That you can't save em all and that the only person worth saving first is you. And that you never have to convince anyone else to stick around. Now, at 33 I will get down on my knees, and come home, in honor of this "Jesus year", I will give it all up to god(dess), the birds and the trees, the stars, Mother Earth and Father Sky, and pray. Now, at 33 I have begun to see that spirit has never once left me and that all the magic, the signs, misalignments, lovers and chance encounters, intuition and messages and soul purpose has been here all along, but I was not quite ready to give up all control just yet. That when my body is telling me something, I should listen, that my connection to Nature is truly the only thing worth fighting for, and when I feel like I can't breath or everything is falling apart, that I simply need to just look at a tree, be in awe of its beauty, watch the clouds pass by in the sky, seek the beauty that is all around, because it is also residing inside of me.

I'm 33 and I'm feeling free, free to just be me.